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Wikiality.com is slowly trying to get back in the groove of writing truthy news. Please excuse the quality and quantity during this period. Enjoy Write A Caption and our Daily Poll in the interim. See Also: :Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch Breaking News Archive Latest In Truthy News Russian 'Bear' Wins Election MOSCOW, RUSSIA, March 2, 2008--Dmitry Anatolyevich 'The Bear' Medvedev (Дми́трий Анато́льевич Медве́дев) wins the 2008 election in Russia. Medvedev, from "Medved", means "bear"! Furthermore, he likes honey in his tea! Threat Down: Ve must keep 'The Bear' klear avay from the pikanik basket that is Amerika. Medvedev is the portagé loyal puppet of Putin and is the candidate for the United Russia Party. He beat out the ultra-left Communist candidate and the ultra-right Nationalist candidate. The various democratic candidates were barred from participating in the democratic process due to missed deadline :( , insufficient residency in Russia XO, and filing errors :P . Putin was named as the new Prime Minister ;) . Amen. Africa May Actually Exist! The existence of Africa may have been confirmed with the news that "The George Bush Motorway" is being built there! ACCRA, GHANA, February 25, 2008-- For years skeptics have poo-pooed the idea that a place called "Africa" existed even in the vast imagination that is "literature" or Hollywood. But word has it that Africa may in factiness be real and that it may contain a sub-section (or country) called Ghana within which a road is being built called "The George Bush Motorway"! This monument to The Greatest President Ever is being funded by the American taxpayer and is certainly proof that America is not planning on building military bases in "Africa", instead America is building roads in Africa (now that it exists)! The roads are being built to help with the transport of food and medical aid to people who have proven their need for such items. There is also a clause in the aid program which specifically states that at no time are the roads to be used for military operations. The George Bush Motorway will be a six-lane superhighway that will stretch from the capitol of Ghana, Accra to another place to be determined. It is dedicated to The Greatest President Ever for his "many kind gestures". Liberals should be so grateful! When asked why liberals are so hateful and work so hard to deny the great works (no matter how small) of every Great American™, Angelina Jolie started mouthing off about her next movie role and how aid of any kind prevents people from bettering themselves. Even if it is for Africa. ### Homosexuals Bash John McCain thanked his "honey" out loud and on America's TV.]] In a blatant attack on the award-winning soldier and Senator from Arizona, Hollywood Homos use their time on America's airwaves to attack Our Troops. HOLLYWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, February 24, 2008-- In their annual assault on American Values™, Hollywood's Academy of NAMBLA Pictures has awarded the following "alternative" lifestyles for special recognition: # French womanhood # Mexicanness # unmarried pregnant teenhood # a warbling team of a drunken Irishman and a pollock But, the greatest offense was directed against the presumptive nominee for President, Senator, war hero and a still very, very virile John McCain. With the announcement that the movie "No Country For Old Men" was the "best picture" of the year, Hollywood used their annual television awards show to hypnotize Americans into believing America would not elect an old man. "Americans will not stand idly by as a great American hero, such as John McCain is mocked by a bunch of cut and running, fancy pansters," an unnamed new staffer for the McCain campaign whispered ever so delicately to Wikiality.com, "By insinuating that a fictional movie with such a hateful name represents American Values™ is the lowest form of misrepresentation, ever. I feel like starting a lynching party." Members of the RNC have demanded investigations by the FCC (into misuse of America's airwaves), the SEC (for donating the cost of the entire ceremony to electing that mooslim guy) and with the FBI for a possible hate crime against the elderly. "America as a country that doesn't support old men? Nothing is further from the truth. America is and always has been a country that looks to her old men for guidance and protection," a freshly pressed Fred Thompson said before going back to his nap. When asked to defend of his liberal commrades, Michael Moore tried to eat this reporter's microphone. ### Nader Announce Run February 24, 2008--Nader announced his 2008 election campaign for the Presidency of the United States of America on February 24th as a third party candidate. Having been the Consumerism, Laborism, and Environmentalism advocate, his announcement brought cheers from the people against predatory lending, job outsourcing, and pollution who have been sleeping for the last 7 years. However, almost immediately, various America-hating liberal groups speculate on the potential for spoilage and complained about the perceived 2000 spoiler candidate. Clap, Clap, Point Point Woman and The Mooslim Candidate quickly "dismissed" him while defending his rights in a democracy. Since Nader is left of the Democrats, his campaign would likely to affect the Democrat more if Obama was the nominee and less if Clinton was the nominee. This is because Obama has the left-wing of the Democrat Party after Edwards dropped from the race of the nomination. How will this affect the decision of the superdelegates is yet unknown, but his announcement should have no effect on the primaries. At the very least, McCain will no longer be the oldest guy in the race. For more information, please visit Ralph Nader Related News Ralph Nader hires former Paultards to wikilobby "favorable" notices about him and his tired candidacy believing anyone on the Internets would be impressed that one more web tube has Nader's name on it. America Invaded by Serbian Nationalist :2008 February 21st After America supported the unilateral independence of Kosovo, the American embassy was attacked by Serbian Ultra-Nationalist numbered in the thousands. An unidentified person working in the embassy was killed in the attack after they smashed their way into the building armed with stones, steel bars, and bottles. American embassy is American soil. Attacking American soil is an act of war. Killing a person on American soil with exploding alcohol bottle is act of terrorism. President Bush is expected to declare war on Serbian Ultra-Nationalist as part of his War On Terror. Americans can expect American Troops to deploy in hunting those Serbian Terrorist by April. America, England, and Germany supported the unilateral declaration of independence by Kosovo. Countries with their own separatism problems, such as Canada, China, Russia, Spain, etc. has not supported Kosovo. NATO was split on the issue. No clear specific commands can be given to the NATO troops stationed there. God Takes Away Moon In Reaction To McCain-Sex Story Published By New York Times The Heavenly Father speaks through his Chosen Candidate, Mike Huckabee, warning America not to believe the lies from the liberal media THE GOOD PART OF LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS, February 20, 2008-- Within hours after publishing a story attacking an All-American candidate for Leader of the Free World™, The Creator of The Universe removed America's Moon from the sky, Mike Huckabee revealed to His Favored Children during a hastily assembled press conference. "The Lord has spoke unto me," Mike Huckabee said, swaying hypnotically from behind a podium, "to reveal His disappointment in our misuse of His Gifts. Mankind has suffered the burden of Eve's sin of reading from The Tree Of Journalism, and the New York Times continued this affront today with this story about Senator McCain." Hundreds of unnamed White House staff members, campaign managers for other candidates and pundits reported to Wikiality.com that they all agreed that The Times' story was the reason behind the loss of the Moon and urged Congress to pass The Greatest President Ever's Protect America Act of 2007 in order to please God and bring the moon back. When asked to comment on her sins, Nancy Pelosi insisted that she still won't pass the law, claiming that God did not make the moon disappear, and that it will come back in a few hours because it was only an eclipse. No word yet if Bill O'Reilly will comment on Speaker Pelosi's blasphemy. ### California Student Abuses Sacred Journalistic Trust! The editor of a local high school newspaper has America in an uproar after dedicating entire issue to the filthiest, filthiest place on Earth! RESEDA, CALIFORNIA, February 17, 2008-- It came without warning. Nothing about the coming day could have prepared decent Americans everywhere outside California of the impending doom. As the morning sun penetrated through the smog, California would whelp yet another new menace on America's innocence. Providing exactly the type of aid and comfort to the terrorists that can easily be prevented by the election of Mike Huckabee, or, failing that, John McCain. :"It was like a travelogue through hell," cried an unnamed parent, "it had more details than a Penthouse Forum letter!" School administrators, city, county and state representatives and local law enforcement officials called an emergency meeting to deal with the threat. The Greatest President Ever was even considering calling Department of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, to raise the terror level to one level above the one it's at now. :"No student who is not married should be allowed to view that paper" concerned citizens shouted into their phones at the radio, "someone must think of the children, Will someone think of the children?!" Help Is On The Way As America wanders aimlessly, stunned by this latest assault, a powerful voice offers a beacon of light through this dark time, former Colorado pastor, Ted Haggard will serve penance by taking this challenge head on, so to speak. Mr. Haggard has asked that all Americans follow Normal Biblical Procedures, not because he hates the hoohaa, but because no American should ever have that filthy, filthy word on their lips, so to speak. Mr. Haggard stated that the time he spent recovering from his recent infirmities has embolden him for this new period in his life, a time when America has a gaping hole where her morality should be. :"I ask that Americans approve government-sponsored school prayer, denounce evolution in science class and abstain from images, music, TV shows, movies or thoughts even remotely related to those kinds of activities in any form," Mr. Haggard pleaded, "our very Christian values depend on absolute strict adherence to the one true literal interpretation of the Bible." Mr. Haggard also added that no one threatened him or forced him to make any statements against the hoohaa, and making such statements do not make him gay, but a good Christian, who wants only what is best for America. ### Super Bowl Ends In Multiple Lawsuits Between Patriots, Disney Corporation And Giants Following the New York Giant's 17-14 upset win over the New England Patriots, Wikiality.com has learned lawsuits have been filed against both teams and against the Disney Corporation in federal court THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, AMERICA, February 4, 2008-- Watching members of the winning team shouting, "I'm going to Disneyland!™" after winning the Super Bowl has become as much a part of the game's tradition as wardrobe malfunctions and sexual innuendo have. But the 2008 game between the 18-1 New England Patriots and the winning New York Giants has started a new tradition, the post-game lawsuits. Wikiality.com has learned that the Disney Corporation had arranged the shout out with New England quarterback, Tom Brady as far back as Week 10. According to Patriot's team lawyers, after watching the Patriots lose, Disney representatives then tried to get Giant's quarterback, Eli Manning to recite the shout out, clearly violating the contract between the Patriots and Disney. To prevent this breach of contract, Patriot's coach, Bill Belichick diverted attention away from the game with his unsportsmanlike desertion of his team with two seconds remaining to play in regulation. As FOX television announcers tried to make sense of the goings-on and promote the upcoming episode of House, everyone forgot that the shout out had not occurred. Within moments, Patriot's team lawyers sued Disney for a breach of contract, then Disney sued the Giants for winning the game. When asked his opinion on the situation, Rudy Giuliani refused to comment. ### Tom Cruise Aids NTSB With Crash Investigation receiving an award for their tireless, yet always welcome help.]] Americans most renown $cientological dwarf, Tom Cruise, has started an independent investigation into the deadly plane crash in Corona, California CORONA, CALIFORNIA, January 23, 2008-- As investigators from The Greatest Administration Ever's National Transportation Safety Board descended on the small California town they were met by a volcano-ful of $cientologists already on-site performing their special form of study. "Whenever there is a disaster, they're there", Wayne Pollack, of the NTSB said about the be-yellowed and enthusiastic church members, "They have become a regular sight at disasters since I've been working. I just don't recall them ever asking for permission, they're just there, ya know?" On January 21, 2008, two small planes crashed in midair over Corona, California. A traveling band of $cientologists that drive up and down the coast of California, for just these occasions, were dispatched immediately to do what only they could: help. Within hours, Tom Cruise, star of few films and Christ of $cientology arrived jumping out of a moving Hummer, finally rolling to a stop just short of Pollack's NTSB press conference as the Hummer exploded in a flurry of copies of Dianetics. :"I have to tell you something. It really is, you know, it's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a blast...it's a blast. It really is fun, because damit, there's nothing better than to going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you seehttp://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article3199668.ece," the diminutive Cruise shouted into the microphones like a short, psychotic, crazed, out-of-control, dissociating Howard Dean, "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else, it's, you drive past, you know you have to do something about it. You know you are the only one who can really help.http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article3199668.ece." After Cruise finished a few hours later, the $cientologists set up shop, with their standard charitable contributions: * free personality assessments * $300 massages * $1,000 follow-up personality assessment * $2,500 photo with a famous $cientologist * $8,700 xenu removal Out of no where, Donald Rumsfeld appeared to endorse $cientology as the wave of the future. Five people died as a result of the crash, two from each of the planes and one in the car dealership. After the $cientologists arrived, no one else was injured. Coincidence? ### Bush: Economic Stimulus Package Is Needed To combat the possible recession, President Bush is urging for a economic stimulus package to give Americans money to spend in last Friday, January 18, 2008. The money given by the government is expected to come from issuing American Government Bonds, which is actually debt being bought by Communist China. The money given to the each average American is expected to spend in buying stuff and not in paying down mortgage. Since, everything is made in Communist China, the majority of the money will leave to Chinese manufacturers with a tiny fraction returning to American designers. In short, America will borrow money from China for the Americans to buy from the Chinese. God bless our Greatest President Ever. Fed: Interest Rate Cut 3/4 Point :2008-01-22 10:00 EST After massive global stock sell off, federal reserve cut three quarters of a point. A whooping 450 point drop on the DOW after it just started. The stocks are falling. The sky is falling. New York Hospitals Offer Free Homosexual Marriages With Every E.R. Visit With an influx of illegals, the once great city of New York has fallen into the hands of the homosexual plague! NEW YORK, NEW YORK, January 19, 2008-- An innocent family man has recounted a harrowing ordeal he experienced at a New York City hospital! Real Americans have joined lead the outrage over the forced gay marriages that are now apparently rampant throughout the Big Apple! :"The liberals are shoving their agenda down everyone's throats and up everything else," an unnamed Presidential candidate told Wikiality.com, "They want free medical care for everyone, but under the condition that they choose gay marriage first! This goes against God's Standards." Americans are being asked by their churches to pray for the well-being of every person in New York City so that they may avoid the now homosexual hospitals and maintain their rectal innocence. "Obviously, this has become law ever since that communist, business-hating, liberal took the governorship from America's Party and does not look like it will ever be overturned now that Hillary Clinton won her party's nomination for president," the esteemed, yet unnamed candidate to represent America's values warned Christians everywhere, "It is important that Our Lord's Favorite People be protected from medical procedures that contradict their personal religious beliefs." Concerned Americans are advised to register to vote and vote Republican, if they ever want to have their Constitution back in one piece and their manhood unmolested! God Bless America! ### President Bush Declares Iran's Lack of Response to his Christmas Greetings A "Provocative Act" provocation.]] WASHINGTON, DC, January 8, 2008-- President Bush said Tuesday that Iranian President 's failure to respond to a White House Christmas Card was clearly a "provocative act" which "troubled him deeply," signaling "a dangerous indication of Iran's lack of desire to communicate openly in matters of international peace-and-joy-keeping importance." In response to Bush's declaration, Ahmadinej noted the American President's own failure to wish him - and the Iranian people by extension- a happy Eyd e Qorbán. According to Iran's Foreign Ministry, the failure to send a return Christmas greeting should not be read as an act of hostility. In a press conference televised on Al Jazeera today, the Minister stated, "By all that is sacred, this was not, repeat, not an act of hostility. This was a standard case of Iranian failure to celebrate Christmas. It happens every December." Back in the White House press room, a different story was unfolding. According to Press Secretary Dana Perino, "This is clearly a dangerous situation. It's not everyday that a Christmas card is so obviously snubbed. We're in troubled waters here." More details as the story unfolds. ### Parade Magazine Gets First Afterlife Interview With Bhutto America's most trusted Sunday magazine insert snagged the greatest interview ever! NEW YORK, NEW YORK, January 7, 2008-- Best known for reinforcing America's standing as a Christian nation, Parade Magazine™ has been at the forefront of investigative journalism with stories covering the full-spectrum of news worthy topics for the discerning American: * where are the terrorists? * who will fight the terrorists? * what do I do if my daughter is dating a terrorist? * what is that giant dog up to now? But now, they have outdone themselves with the first ever post-life interview with recently assassinated former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto! Due to the copyright protections, Wikiality.com can only provide a few excerpts from the interview: PARADE: "Now that you've met Jesus, have you become born again?" Bhutto: "Yes...I feel that a wrong must be rightedhttp://www.parade.com/benazir_bhutto_interview.html" Wikiality.com would like to thank Parade Magazine™ for allowing us to publish a portion of their ground-breaking interview with Benazir Bhutto from the afterlife. ### FEMA Arrives In Nevada Town As the waters receded, residents were greeted by the smiling face of Michael Chertoff or some other FEMA official FERNLEY, NEVADA, JANUARY 7, 2008-- Residents of this desert farm town were besieged by the cold waters from the nearby levee in the early morning of January 5, 2008. They were not strangers to hardship, and were prepared to survive no matter how long it would be before outside help arrived. The Reno Ladies on their regular weekend jaunts appeared right on schedule but this time ferrying the ladies and their wares in boats instead of the limo-Hummers they normally use. :"My girls be ready for anything," the anonymous gentleman piloting the boat told Wikiality.com, "we be here to help the peoples." Help Arrives Just days after the Reno Ladies completed their business, FEMA director, R. David "Duct Tape" Paulison and Homeland Security Minister, Michael Chertoff arrived amidst much pomp and circumstance. Wikiality.com has learned that the DHS/FEMA pomp and circumstance transport is only a land-based vehicle and thus was unable to make an appearance until the flood-waters were sufficiently dissipated. Answering to the People Upon their arrival, Messrs Chertoff and Paulison commandeered a school gymnasium and set up an immediate emergency press conference, inviting whatever press could make it. The press conference went without a hitch and when the editing is complete, will be released for the general public. During the question and answer portion of the press conference, Fernley town officials had nothing but good things to say about both FEMA and the DHS, noting only that Messrs Chertoff and Paulison looked very tired and would perhaps benefit from some time off, or an extended vacation. All is Well After the press conference concluded, residents carried the pair back to their motel rooms on their shoulders. Facts About The Town Fernley is a town of several residentshttp://www.cityoffernley.org/index.asp?nid=185, who may or may not have pets and who love to picnichttp://www.cityoffernley.org/faq.asp. The vast majority of Fernleyites are well-versed in municipal arrest procedures and are as anal about their water as they are about the cracks in their streets. People interested in moving to Fernley should know about a few of the local features, such as: * golf * ghost town * Pony Express station * and only 6 registered sex-offenders It is almost certain that Fernley's support for The Greatest President Ever http://www.city-data.com/city/Fernley-Nevada.html is the only reason they recovered from this tragedy. ### David Letterman Returns With His Writers Late-night talk show host, David Letterman, returns to work after negotiating a separate deal with the WGA Anti-capitalist, David Letterman allowed Nancy Pelosi to defile him in order to return to television up against ratings Super Hero, Jay Leno. Mr. Leno returned to television with no problems whatsoever, and visited with his guest, Mike Huckabee, who is a man of god and not a whore. As the sidewalks outside Mr. Leno's studio were free of protesters, Mr. Letterman did not enjoy such a luxury. The sidewalks outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City were crawling with literally thousands of producers protesting Letterman's support of the writers. As evidenced by the size of the protesters, all of America should be convinced of how unfair the writers are toward their helpless bosses. ### Wikiality.com News Has Bronchitis Please note: Your normal truthy news would have been updated, but the entire Wikiality.com news department is closed with bronchitis. If anyone knows a good Creationist doctor, please post the name and contact info here. Enjoy the finaly three weeks of The Baby Jesus' birthday, we will return when Harry Reid calls off his minions. Update Wikiality.com News will return January 7, 2008. Don't forget, Stephen is also returning, but without the writers. It is believed his Jewish friend is behind the decision to return without the writers. ---- Breaking News Archive